Violence Prevention Avalon East

Violence Prevention Newfoundland and Labrador

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IPV in NL: Is it Time to Leave?

Leaving a relationship is never easy, especially when factors such as abuse, children, finances, amongst other things, come into play.

Remember, no matter what your current situation is, you are never alone. We are here for you.

The chaos of this transition will pass, and new opportunities for growth and happiness are just around the corner! If you’re ready to leave your current situation and are afraid/unsure of what the next step should be, tell us about your situation and we will recommend which community supports are most suitable for you.

I Need to Leave Now: Quick Supports
I Need to Leave Now: Leaving Checklist

If you have children, don’t forget to take their documents as well.

Click to expand:

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When is it Time to Leave?

According to Celestine Chau, the Founder of Personal Excellence:

  • When they are causing you emotional/physical/verbal hurt;
  • When you live in past memories more than the present;
  • When the relationship brings you more pain than joy;
  • When they expect you to change;
  • When you stay in the relationship, expecting they will change;
  • When you keep justifying their actions to yourself;
  • When the same situation/issue recurs even though you tried addressing it;
  • When they put little to no effort in the relationship;
  • When your fundamental values and beliefs are different;
  • When the relationship holds you back, hence preventing both of you from growing as individuals;
  • When you stay in the relationship, expecting things to get better; and,
  • When neither of you feel the same way about each other.

Take some time to reflect upon these reasons and to see an elaboration on each topic, click here to read the entire article.

Perceived Barriers to Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Tips to Consider When Leaving an Abusive Relationship
  • Do you share a bank account with your partner? Make sure you open up a bank account in your own name.
  • Does your partner have access to your credit card? Consider cancelling and applying for a new one, or removing his additional cardholder status with your bank so your credit isn’t ruined, should they run up the credit card.
  • Do you recieve specific mail or cheque to your household address? Reach out to those organizations/people to divert to a new address immediately. Consider a PO Box, if you are unable to use a loved one’s address.
  • If possible, make an appointment with a Financial Advisor at your bank. They may be able to help you by covering a few monthly bank fees or help with bill deadlines, to protect your financial situation during this transition (For example, TD Canada Trust has a TD Helps Program)
  • Make sure you change all of your online passwords (Email, streaming services, social networks..)
  • If you’re able to sell small things of value that wouldn’t be noticed if missing, store that money in your new bank account.
  • If you have household items or clothing that you’d like to keep but can’t fit in your bag, tell your partner you are doing a “clean out” and you’re donating clothes. Then store the bags of items you are “donating” at a loved one’s place until you’re out.
  • Expanding on the point above, keep all seasons in mind. For example, if you are suddenly leaving an abusive situation in July, don’t leave without your Winter gear. Only take what is necessary, but consider your planning from a more long-term perspective as well.
  • Personal documents such as the ones mentioned in the leaving checklist above: For items like financial or school records, passports, etc, give them to a family member for safe keeping in advance.
  • Leading up to leaving, be sure to keep peace with your partner and even go as far as setting up plans for the following weekend, to curb any of their suspicions.
  • Leave with your key to the house or vehicle, to ensure that if totally necessary, you can get back in.
  • Rehearse your safety/leaving plan and go over it with a loved one, if possible.
  • Have a list of emergency contacts but make sure you memorize 2-3 key numbers, in case you find yourself in a situation without the list and need to call.
  • After you leave, change up your daily routine a bit (routes and times you come home, go-to grocery/convenience stores..) so your partner doesn’t know where to “run into you”.
  • After you leave, reach out to utility and bill payment companies in advance to explain the general situation so they can make a note on your account. They may be able to help or provide additional tips.
  • If you are taking medications, reach out to your family doctor to ensure you have a supply/prescriptions .
  • If possible, disclose the general situation to your boss so they are able to accommodate you or get someone to handle part of your workload during this time period. See if your workplace has an Employee Assistance Program.
  • To cut down on papers you don’t need to have physical copies of, consider putting them onto an external thumb drive to cut down on physical space.

Above all else, you deserve to live a happy and healthy life, free from the fear of oppression or violence. While leaving an abusive relationship is never an easy process, we hope this information helps you feel empowered, hopeful, and better prepared.

Check out our partner, St. John’s Women’s Centre’s “Dear Survivor” Campaign.

“Too frequently we hear from ‘the experts’ when, the truth is, women are the experts of their own experiences and they often have the best advice. Our hope is that the posters resonate with women as they go about their daily lives at school, a doctor’s office, the grocery store, or a bar, and that those who need support reach out.”

Laura Winters, Executive Director, St. John’s Status of Women Council/Women’s Centre